really not feeling to great about this trip, I feel very alone and I can’t take anymore of these couples anymore.

forever the unwanted fifth wheel

it’s hard to understand what to do in your life when you can’t understand what you’re feeling. you don’t know if it’s fear, excitement, or being logical.

It’s almost funny.

Last year, my friend she  got her heart broken by the boy that lead everyone on. the boy got engaged to the woman. I loved a girl and was prepared to give up everything for our future. a man named him  comforted she  in her heartbreak and they pursued affection for each other. a girl dated a new boy quickly after me, leaving me broken. we are all friends and it was a huge silent tangle of hurt.

well now she  ended up with him,  thinking about marriage
and the boy is with a new woman, I attended the wedding.
and the girl is with a new boy, still together and assumed happy
everyone was okay in the end

and i’m here, still alone. and completely hurting,
because I love someone now and I’ve never carried so much fear.

is there something wrong with who I am?

I’m sorry if I’m been weird lately
I’ve just really needed to be around friends

me and a dear lovely friendthis will always be one of my favorite pictures ever. period.

me and a dear lovely friend
this will always be one of my favorite pictures ever. period.

My mom asked if I was okay today
I said I was fine
She said I looked terrible
I was terrible

I’m in love with a woman
and I am completely terrified

I had a nightmare last night.
I was standing in some kind of parking lot with a lot of people I knew. We all hang out a lot so it makes sense that they were in my dreams. We were great and enjoying ourselves. A certain girl was there, and she’s a woman in my life that I love very dearly. She makes me so happy and I enjoy every time I’ve spent with her. I remember a time where we spent the whole day together. We rode bikes, ate food, and we both sat on a bed and talked about ourselves. It was such an intimate day and I am so incredibly thankful for that. She means the world to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about her, and I accepted the fact that I do, have feelings for her. I don’t want to be that guy that gets all mushy with his feelings, because that gets annoying, but just keep in mind that I genuinely love her. Our whole friend group was doing our normal thing, just talking among ourselves. I wanted to be by her, the woman. Beside her was a guy that I’ve known for many years. They were both talking, and they were rather close to each other. The boy was touching her arm with his hand, in one of those seducing ways. I walked over to them, but before I was close to them, I saw the boy lean in for a kiss. The woman responded with pressing her lips into his just for a moment, just a peck, a small pinch on the bottom lip. She gave off one of those priceless smiles, followed by a hard chuckle. I froze, in complete shock. My chest started to heat up, and started to feel pain. I walked away in urgency, like I didn’t see anything. I immediately started to walk back to my car, waving goodbye to all my friends who were there. I was rushing and made it pretty obvious that something startled me. My friend’s had a slight confusion in their faces, wondering what was on my mind. the kiss popped in my head again. I woke up, and that pain was still present, and that hurt tremendously. 

Not your typical nightmare, I know.
But this startled me. This startled everything.